Archive for February, 2008

can i make it?

i am just one person in this world of billions. i am just one small voice amid the cries and hollerings of millions, billions, gazillions of living beings. what makes me special? that i live? that i think? that i talk? i find this world difficult to live in. perhaps i take things too seriously. perhaps i’m like the wolf running on a forest path, running with hopes of life but truly on the road that will lead to my destruction at the hands of other living things. i cannot find the light to melt the darkness. i am only one step away from………………….

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so i woke up

winter sun on my face, always welcomed, always cherished. i stretch in the morning and stumble into the new day. a list of things to do, but let me hide it under my tea while i sit quietly and ponder the hours before me. these hours are my life and so often i just let them slip by, unnoticed in the busyness of urban life in the 21st century. am i doing honor to these days given to me by my creator(s)? is there anyone keeping an accounting of my every minute? i have wondered why i am alive. why do i live and others younger than me die? is there a purpose written in my genes that I have yet to understand? perhaps none of this matters. perhaps there is no great life design. maybe i should just drink my tea and move on. check off the items on that list, one by one. maybe all i have to do is breathe, enjoy the sun, and let the winds of my consciousness find their resting place without any backseat driving from me.

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as a taurus i am in love with beauty in all its forms – from the human to the smallest rock. as a woman i have often wished i possessed the extraordinary beauty of a shania twain or a cindy crawford. even as i understand that true beauty comes from within, it pains me that i am not effortlessly beautiful as a woman. perhaps as a human being, but not as a woman. and now age is erasing what comeliness i did possess. physicality is our expression on this planet and it hurts me to see that i am walking slowly, wrinkle by wrinkle, sag by sag, into that “good night.” i guess you could say that it is better than the alternative. but how do we know what the alternative is like? maybe in the alternative you can choose to be and look like whoever you want to be. maybe that is what they mean by heaven.

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so this is it

quiet like a cat stealthily prowling in search of prey, i found myself looking for the path of destiny. somewhere under the leaves, i stepped upon an ancient word that led me back to where i began – to myself. all it said was ‘you.’ why is that we sail around the world, climb thunderous mountains, dive to the bottom of the seat, and fill our days with busyness, when all we need is within? when all we need is what we came into this world with? some strange journey this is.

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simple wind

it’s a gloomy day and the wind drifts through the trees and plants outside my window. i feel a slight chill clutching at my bare feet that travels up my nerves to pinprick my skin under my sweats. i am a warm-weather person. give me heat and i am happy. strange that this should be so, considering i was born and raised in western british columbia, a land of rain, cool weather, and brilliant-but-not-hot summer sun. it’s interesting to speculate about how someone came to be where they are now. how did i end up spending my entire adult life in west central florida? to this day i still miss the mountains; my spirit is a mountain girl but my face to the world wants the tropics. sounds like hawaii to me. maybe one day. 

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