Archive for the ‘personal’ Category

in my office

a windy, cloudy monday and i sit in my office typing away, listening to mindy smith on my cd player. somewhere i believe there is a singer inside me, just waiting to be coaxed out her froggy closet. there’s also a writer, photographer, and artist waiting in the wings for their chance at life beyond these four walls. a psychic once told me a very long time ago that men would slow me down but fear would stop me if i let it…and i let it. i allowed this overwhelming fear i carry with me every second of every minute of every day strangle me, but not to the death, just to death row. now at middle age i want to open the secret door in the armoire and find my way through the swirling world that i call me. i have learned many things on my journey and now i’m finding that all these insights are leading right back to me. i have always had the strength and i have always known the answers – i just did not believe it. strange how that goes……

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far away

so quiet this day. so quiet the day before. i am not used to this anymore. i love the quiet. like a sip of cool mountain water on a hot day, silence nourishes the person i am. i cannot live without it. that is, no doubt, why i grow more tired of breathing as the days go by. the loudness, the busyness of people who live aggressively hurts my life, my spirit, my everything. i feel like an alien from another planet because i do not understand the ways of the human. just do not understand the need to rush, to invade, to kill, to live like no one else matters, save the self. perhaps i only speak from middle age. perhaps these are just the words of a woman who is looking backwards to a world that seemed so much friendlier and quieter. i only know that i do not belong in this time. not as i am now. not where i am now.

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up the mountain

the day i was born i saw a mountain, a daunting aspect of nature but no more formidable than my own spirit. i can climb this mountain, i said. i can make my way to the top and from there i can see all things, know all things, do all things. no one told me that there would be blizzards, avalanches, wild animals, rolling boulders, toppling trees, deep uncrossable fissures. no one told me there would also be the soothing sound of silence, the soft swish of a bird flying overhead, the intense vibrancy of a sunset, the welcoming embrace of a forest, the chance sighting of a deer and its fawn, the cool fresh taste of mountain water. i have yet to stand on the top of my mountain. i am still climbing my way through beauty and tragedy on a path yet to be forged. i am content that no one told me what i might find on the way up the mountain. i might have stayed in the valley and waited for my life to begin.

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peace and quiet

the light of the sun is filtering through the trees outside my window. right now it is very peaceful and i cherish it. peace and quiet are not easy to come by in this urban neighborhood. i bleed from the constant loudness of this world in which i now live. i long for my mountain childhood, so far, far away. i miss peace and quiet, for in peace and quiet i can hear my spirit; i can think, read, daydream, nap, just be.

i don’t know who this person is anymore. my face is battleworn and my heart wanders off its beaten path. there are days when i just want to hide and never be found…until serenity is declared the way of life for all humans.

a girl can dream, can’t she?

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can i make it?

i am just one person in this world of billions. i am just one small voice amid the cries and hollerings of millions, billions, gazillions of living beings. what makes me special? that i live? that i think? that i talk? i find this world difficult to live in. perhaps i take things too seriously. perhaps i’m like the wolf running on a forest path, running with hopes of life but truly on the road that will lead to my destruction at the hands of other living things. i cannot find the light to melt the darkness. i am only one step away from………………….

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so i woke up

winter sun on my face, always welcomed, always cherished. i stretch in the morning and stumble into the new day. a list of things to do, but let me hide it under my tea while i sit quietly and ponder the hours before me. these hours are my life and so often i just let them slip by, unnoticed in the busyness of urban life in the 21st century. am i doing honor to these days given to me by my creator(s)? is there anyone keeping an accounting of my every minute? i have wondered why i am alive. why do i live and others younger than me die? is there a purpose written in my genes that I have yet to understand? perhaps none of this matters. perhaps there is no great life design. maybe i should just drink my tea and move on. check off the items on that list, one by one. maybe all i have to do is breathe, enjoy the sun, and let the winds of my consciousness find their resting place without any backseat driving from me.

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as a taurus i am in love with beauty in all its forms – from the human to the smallest rock. as a woman i have often wished i possessed the extraordinary beauty of a shania twain or a cindy crawford. even as i understand that true beauty comes from within, it pains me that i am not effortlessly beautiful as a woman. perhaps as a human being, but not as a woman. and now age is erasing what comeliness i did possess. physicality is our expression on this planet and it hurts me to see that i am walking slowly, wrinkle by wrinkle, sag by sag, into that “good night.” i guess you could say that it is better than the alternative. but how do we know what the alternative is like? maybe in the alternative you can choose to be and look like whoever you want to be. maybe that is what they mean by heaven.

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