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Archive for the ‘thoughts’ Category

flyaway

i saw a red cardinal perched in the foliage of a tree, singing to its mate hidden somewhere in the forest of my neighbor’s yard. she would answer in a soft sweet tone. he would then call back in his loud lilting voice. no doubt they continued their conversation long past the time i left them to go into my house and tend to my humanly duties.

if i was a cardinal i would sing all day because the weather is stunning and there is plenty of food and many grand old oaks to choose for cover. no economic worries for me. no scary thoughts of foreclosure and homelessness. no decisions to be made in the upcoming presidential election. no searching for jobs that do not exist anymore. all i would do is sing and be happy and eat bugs or whatever cardinals delight in…and stay out of the way of the cats who prowl below, waiting for a distracted moment.

one day, in the near future, i hope i can sing like the cardinal because i no longer worry and fuss and stomp and shout about the way i am living.

the sun is reaching down into the darkness and i will fly. how about that.

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how did it become almost the end of september? where have i been? i cannot believe that christmas is a mere three months away. i can feel fall in the air, even though i live in west central florida. yes, it’s still in the 80s but that draining humidity is gone, at least i no longer feel it, and now i can actually breathe. my border collie is beside himself with excitement at the cooler weather. a “hot” dog he is not. he literally dances for joy in the cool morning air. my older dog now sleeps peacefully, instead of fitfully. my cats have more energy; a couple of them are acting a little on the wild side. are they experiencing an ancient memory of a time when cats were undomesticated?

we do not have central heat/air in this crooked bungalow in which we live, so whatever is happening outside is happening inside. so we say goodbye to summer (and soon to our annual hurricane season), and start to turn our minds to the holidays coming up. there is no money this year so we will celebrate with chocolate, tasty dog and cat treats, and candles in the fireplace.

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untitled

 

Look at me standing here like I know what I’m doing,

Like I know where I’m going and I’m not afraid to go there.

Let the rain smash against me, plundering my very existence,

Plastering my clothes and my hair to my body like an artist

Because it sure doesn’t feel like this human being is moving.

Sometimes I wonder at the scope of my dreams, at the very breath I take.

I look back for my shadow and it’s not there, hiding, no doubt,

From the wrath of my very Catholic guilt for not becoming good.

I’m not the successful one, I’m not sure how to step forward

Into the darkness, I don’t understand how to live a life of meaning.

So does it matter if I stand in the thundering rain like an idiot

Waiting for the light to turn green, looking like I might step off the curb

And walk to somewhere and someone who might actually care?

This is a strange world and I’m a stranger in it, no doubt about that,

And damn if I can decipher my relevance in this loud stomping place.

So let the rains soak me, melt me, pound me until there’s nothing left

To gather up in this corner that I have painted as human and alive,

As hopeful and poised, even if only for a second or two.

 

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oh, yes, it’s may already. the sun is getting hot (at least down here in florida it is) and i’m not ready for the heat, humidity, weeds, bugs, and sweat. i hate being cold but i don’t like being hot either. so where does that leave me? it’s been almost a year since i lost my job, and while i managed to snag a temporary, wee bit sporadic project job (that goes away at the end of june), i still haven’t found a ‘real’ job that pays enough to comfortably live on. so, if my almost unemployment continues, who knows where i’ll be in a few months. perhaps living in the weeds with the bugs. how lovely….  

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so lazy

just don’t wanna do it. just don’t want to paint and repair and do home improvement stuff. my house isn’t selling. apparently no one wants fixer-uppers anymore, not at least here in florida. so i have to try and fix the so many things wrong with my broken bungalow. but it won’t happen. not all of it. it would take a whole lot of money, something that there isn’t a whole lot of in this house. and besides, i don’t really want to do it. i didn’t do it for myself and i don’t want to do it for someone else. i don’t believe in this unquiet neighborhood enough to spend time, energy and money on this house – even though i should.  

now there’s only one more house for sale around here. i noticed a couple of women looking at it yesterday. perhaps they’ll buy it, and then it will just be my little wooden house for sale. maybe then the perfect person will see it and want it. and then i can be free.

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one more day

monday, oh monday. here i am. i made it through one more monday workday. and now i’m home and i get to listen to the pounding bass coming from my neighbor’s house. how can i listen to my poet self in the midst of chaos and thunder? sometimes i just wanna run away.

 

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left in the dust

right now i am at an impasse. i feel as if someone changed the stoplight from green to red and then disappeared, leaving me in a permanent state of waiting. waiting for my life to become what i dream it will be. waiting for the magic of money to find me. waiting for prince charming…well, maybe not (i used to wonder if there really was a prince charming but not any more; now i think that there is only me). i know all this stuff about me being in charge of my life, about the law of attraction, about god watching lovingly over me, guiding me, but somehow the pilot light went out and i find myself in nowheresville. a time of static nothingness that is driving me to margaritaville, if truth be told. patience. i need to learn patience. there is a time for everything…yeah, yeah, i know that too, but i still feel chained to where i am now and i do not know where the key is that will turn that damn light green.

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